Dear John Letter: Pliny The Elder

Dear Pliny the Elder


I’m not just over you, I’m over Pliny the Younger, too. That’s right, I’ve been seeing both of you. Well, in the case of your son, it hasn’t been consummated; he’s so elusive and magnetic that there are people lined up to get with him.¬†You know me well enough to know I don’t wait in line. You’re a wonderful father; have you ever asked yourself if these people love your son or if he’s just another notch on their bedposts? Food for thought.

Don’t get me wrong – it’s not you, Elder, you have been consistently wonderful the whole time I’ve known you – it’s me. It’s the changes that I’ve gone through. My tastes have matured and I’ve moved on, although our chemistry is still there on the infrequent occasions that we do hang out.


And you can’t deny it – your friends are total bros. They are obsessed with you. The ladies around you are always saying things like, “I don’t like hops, but I like Pliny”. That doesn’t even make any sense! The best thing about you is your piney, grape-fruity hops. I think what they mean is that they like you because you’re not bitter (although I’ve heard your son is pretty bitter, maybe for the aforementioned reason). Sometimes they ignore the other beers that your brewer makes, even though he’s more skilled with sour beers than any other brewer in the U.S. Even he can’t control the hysteria surrounding your son, and it seems like he gets pretty annoyed at it at times.

But I’m off on a tangent, this is the real reason: unlike your bros and hos, I don’t want to be pinned down to one hoppy beer. There’s a whole wide world of hoppy beers out there, some as good (or maybe better) than you.

You used to be rated as the best beer in the world on Beer Advocate. The idea that there is a best beer in the world is just absurd (no offense- you are still currently rated #3. It must drive you crazy that your son is #2), and you’ve let it go to your head.

I’m just going to rip off the Band-Aid here: I’m seeing the new dude in town, Heady Topper.


Tags: , , , , , ,
Back of the House

Everyone's a Critic

Comments are now closed.