Dear “Aioli” (if that is your real name),
I am sick of your gooey, glistening presence in so many Sacramento menu items. I am tired of you greasing up my fingers and clogging up my bloodstream with your abundant saturated fats. Here is why I am breaking up with you:
Aioli: a Provencal traditional sauce made of garlic, olive oil, lemon juice, and egg yolks.
Yes, Aioli, there are alternative definitions that come up under this one in the dictionary that give a little more latitude as to your makeup, but that does not mean that you should lurk in every dish, tarting yourself up with chipotle, ginger and even apricot – I actually saw this on a Sacramento menu (did you think I wouldn’t?). It’s time for you to embrace who you really are and come out of the closet as…mayonnaise! It’s true, many Americans revile you and will ask for you on the side (oh the shame!) or even spurn you entirely if you use your true name – but it’s time to let them know they are eating teaspoonsful of you with every appetizer of fried risotto or calamari. You have even tricked them into dipping fries into you like the Dutch do! What’s next – spreading yourself on top of hot dogs like they do in Scandinavia? Have you no pride?
You may get a little less play on menus once you use your real name, but won’t you feel so much better? Take a little time off, go to the Bahamas or something, you deserve it! Sacramento chefs have been using and abusing you for years. While you’re gone maybe they’ll get a more creative and stop using you as a crutch. We might even see something crazy like a bagna cauda on a menu or something exotic with roasted vegetables and spices that isn’t so fatty! Ooh, sorry, that probably hurt.
Might as well rip the band aid off here since it’s finally over – I have been seeing your brother Remoulade on the side and I’m breaking up with him too for the same reason.